Tuesday, 16 October 2012

A Dead Friend

a good childhood friend of mine. we grew up together. so he went to secondary school and i'm stuck in primary school. befriended his younger brother who is the same age as mine. he was the one who had the latest console game in the neighborhood. it was a Sega Megadrive. sangat epic. we spent a lot of time in front of that crappy console.then his father took the whole family on holiday to disneyland. they came back. and by then, they had a playstation. it was one hell of a good console. a video game using a cd, who would've thought. during the early days he had that, his father won't let anyone inside the house. not until a year later. funny how is that the dad who i thought was kinda close to me would not let me in.

so i grew up with my own clicks. he went off with his. one day he came to me and asked "kau hisap rokok?". and i answered "i do". i was 14. then he said "kalau nak lepak, meh la lepak kat block belakang. kat kedai am". and so i went there after school to smoke. kedai am is a sanctuary to people who ponteng sekolah. one day he said. let's breakdance. and the whole clicks there were into it. so learnt a few moves. and he had his. the group was called The Floor Sweeper. i like it. they was about to go with Grasshopper. what the fuck? hopper? no way. and so one day he asked me to find some girls to dance. i did.

to make the long story short. he fell in love with one of the girl. well. none of the girls ever dance pun. posers. but yeah. he fell in love. and like many bollywood films. the brother of the girl did not like him. they were friends. he was never in love before. one day they fought. the brother and the friend of mine. one on one. fist with fist. though they were some of the brother's friend brought an engine piston as weapons. both of them fell down. it was a draw. the brother said to his sister, "kau jangan berkawan dengan mamat tu. dia budak tak elok. hisap dadah". and like many bollywood films, the sister ignored the brother.

since this friend of mine fell in love, he quit drugs. a lot of em. i spent most of my time around him. and i always ask about the lovers. he always said it was okay. they're still having it. the relationship. a year or two later the brother told his mom about the sister and the addict. and the mom was, of course, furious. she told the sister to break it up. which she, of course, ignored. they went on for another year. until the girl called it off. its not going anywhere and so she said. the mom did not fancy him. and they cant meet each other so often. and so he went back like he always did, to kedai am. hung out with us friends. and he started drugs again. and i watched every single moment of it. i was there.

shit happened at kedai am before. i moved on. finding my own new clicks. and yeah, i don't meet that childhood friend of mine that often anymore. a year or two later i went back to buy a pack of cigs at kedai am. and am's mom told me. "kau tau tak along, Abu dah jadi gila?". and i was like, "what the fuck cik?". and his best friend, told me the same thing. that the childhood friend of mine went crazy. and he's nowhere to be found. but i knew, he went off living with his uncle.

i've met him once in front of his house during his 'gila' period. he seems fine. he said he was doing music. learning violin at the moment. yeah, he had good fingers. grade 7 organist. he seems fine. but he avoided people. except me. maybe because he kinda figure out that i don't lepak at kedai am like i always do anymore.

years gone by. and he came to my sisters wedding. asked me for a lighter. smoke a cig. he was quiet. tried to talk to him. but no, he won't talk a shit. he got worse. maybe everyone was right. maybe. i stared at him today. at his brother's wedding. he was sitting at the pelamin. i looked into his eyes. from far away i can only see one thing. torment. he's bearing it all on his shoulder. that's how he look. everyone wants to take picture with the newly weds. he sat there. sat still. tormented. hiding it with fake smiles. during this time, i recalled back the whole thing that went through. the spent we spent together as child. he was fun and a loving friend. and he's dead. he's dead inside.

if only i could reach him. that i'm still the good friend i once was.
that it is okay to let it all out to someone instead of a wall. some people might say he needs therapy.
i say he needs a friend.
and i'm not dead yet.

Azrul Maulud

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